Picture this - you’re the babe’in, high class, hot-town fish – which eligible wine are you going to choose to dine with tonight?
10 Rules of Speed Dating:
1) Have a good hand (fin)shake – first impressions last
a. When meeting a wine for the first time, it’s crucial that you make a good impression. They are after all, going to complement your lovely fleshy oiliness and body.
2) Do not pretend to be something you’re not
a. If you’re a full-bodied fish, say a salmon, don’t go parading yourself about like you’re whiting. You’re not whiting. You’re never going to be whiting. Flaunt the fullness you’ve got – after all, whiting just don’t have the curvy body, rich flavour and latent power that you have – they’d be no match for a pinot, chardonnay or viognier, so why try? Same goes for all the lithe and athletic whitings out there – your alabaster flesh, and light, vibrant, fresh flavours make you a match made in heaven for un-oaked, tight and textural white wines. Go forth and conquer – you’re seeking single white wines, the younger the better.
3) Don’t talk about other dates
a. We aren’t starting a gossip column, or a(nother) sequel to 50 Shades, we’re searching for the perfect match. Just because a handsome Chablis wrapped you in pastry and called you a pie, doesn’t mean the wine at Table 5 wants to hear about it. Same goes for the refined champagne who slurped you like the salty anchovy that you are… It’s unseemly.
4) Remember their first name
a. Dating 101: Remember their name. If you find a good match, you want to be able to find them again. You don’t want to be that fish who swims into a bottle shop and asks the attendant, “Now, I had a wine over the weekend. It was white, in a glass bottle, screwcap… do you know the one I’m talking about?” No. Of course they don’t.
5) Engage! Don’t Dominate!
a. You’re ultimately searching for a wine to complement your flavour. Listen. Smell. Inquire. Smile… you can learn a lot by sitting back and letting them speak for themselves.
6) Don’t ask for numbers – don’t pressure
a. It’s ok to try them for just a night – you don’t have to marry them, right? After all, one fish can be a match for many wines…. Don’t be afraid to branch out and ‘try before you buy’.
7) Don’t drink too much
a. Don’t just pair with any old wine. Have some self-respect. If you’re an oyster, don’t start shucking with shiraz – it doesn’t matter how gentle they claim to be. Nyet. Not a good idea. Save that for the salmons. You stay with champagne or Riesling – they’ll treat you right.
8) Have good breath
a. They have to smell good. Gah. If the nose is wrong, it’s hard to want to put the rest into your mouth. Aromatic varieties are just so delicious with fish. When in doubt, think Riesling, chardonnay, champagne and pinot – you can’t really go wrong.
9) Keep an open mind
a. You’re a Freo sardine: you thought you’d never find a wine to while away your afternoons with. Enter the sexy French rose. Match. Made. Across the room, you’ve even spotted a naughty nebbiolo to recommend to your mackerel friend – two strong flavours, do a pair make. For all the Yellow-Fins out there that John West hasn’t already laid claim to: we’ve spotted a few white wines from the Rhone over on Table 7 who are begging for a date. They’re lean, muscular and spicy… perfect for your meaty, steak-like texture.
10) Lower your expectations
a. This is an awful piece of dating advice. Never settle. Maybe you’re the kind of fish who just don’t need no wine to make you happy. And good for you.