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Denise is SO impressed by the size of local surfer's new longboard

It’s Friday afternoon and the swell is pumping so inevitably Luke has washed up on the shore of Denise’s bottle shop. The undisputed Kelly Slater of middle aged weekend warriors talking shit about surfing has entered the store and shoots Denise a shaka.

“Good afternoon Luke, catch any good waves darling?” Luke shoots her a greasy wink, “you know it baby”, which would be true if getting dumped at City Beach like an ugly Bachelorette with a rose allergy counted as catching a good wave.

Suddenly, a wild gaggle of Northern beach party girls appear dressed tartier than a bakery display case. Luke can feel the barrel of his middle life crisis closing in on him so decides he needs to charge this wave of flirtation.

Denise watches on in great amusement as Luke paddles over and wipes out on his first attempt, “didn’t I see you girlies at the Margaret River pro?” They shoot him an “um are you like our dad’s age” glare and disappear into the night.

   Limited edition paper bags at a Liquor Barons store near you, get yours before they run out!

Limited edition paper bags at a Liquor Barons store near you, get yours before they run out!

Denise offers some comfort, “maybe next time darling”. Luke shrugs it off, “trust me, when I have my Malibu on the beach, I’m fending them off with a stick, it’s a seriously big board”. Maybe he’s joking, or maybe an ungracefully aging accountant sitting on a beach with an unused board really does get them wetter than a Guantanamo Bay torture room. We will never know.

Elsewhere in the store, a familiar chatter of craft beer snobbery can be heard. Long serving employee Greg is telling a bearded, beret wearing beer-guy about the craft beer he had on his last visit to the states.

None of his stories impress the hipster as he starts telling him that he only drinks mango-chocolate stout brewed in the foothills of the Barossa Valley as they are the only company making “real beer” anymore.

Normally, Greg could chat the pastry off a pie but this current conversation is making him seriously consider the legal ramifications of using Luke’s board leash to silence the man. Not like Luke has any need for it. However, discretion is the better part of valour and he shoots Denise an S.O.S glance.

A quick thinking Denise has a great idea, she interrupts Luke’s story about a barrel he caught in Yallingup that she’s heard 8 times and says, “sweetie, looks like we have someone from Trigg in the shop”.

Luke charges over, drops in on the exchange and gives the hipster a piece of his mind, “look grommet, around here the locals drink Matilda Bay, got it?” The hipster can tell Luke is at point breaking point and takes his wankery elsewhere.

It’s the perfect 50-year storm of pretentiousness: a poser, calling out a poser for posing while he is in the middle of posing. It’s pure pose-ception, and it’s magnificent.

Artwork: Shakey Jakey  |  Article: Bell Tower Times


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THE PAPER BAG PROJECT

Liquor Barons Commissions And Collaborations With Perth Visual Artists

Each morning I drink coffee from cafes around Perth, many of whom use take-away cups with featured artists or artworks on them. They range from cool to really epic, and it begs the question: Why aren't we doing something with our bottle bags?

We are an independent premium wine/beer/spirits retailer, it makes sense that we support local, independent artists. So here we are.  

We commission Perth artists to create 3 original designs in black and white to be printed onto paper bottle bags: single bottle, double and triple bottle, each bag has a different artwork. We leave the focus of each design is entirely up to the artist, our only stipulation is the design be reflective of the artist's style. The series of three bag is printed as a limited run, and distributed to Liquor Barons stores, ready for you.

We hope you learn about a local artist you may not have heard about before, that you have something new to talk about, and most importantly, support a local artist who is leading in their field. This project is unique in Australia - we are the first liquor group to do it, but I wager we won't be the last.